S. Sekou Abodunrin
Wives, be constantly subjecting yourselves with implicit obedience to your husbands as you ought to do in the Lord. Husbands, be loving your wives with a divine love which impels you to deny yourselves for their benefit, and stop being bitter and harsh to them. Colossians 3:18, 19 Kenneth Wuest Translation
It is shocking that it is only within the last 100 years that women have been thought worthy of exercising voting rights. It is a painful fact that great injustice is being perpetrated to this day, as in almost the whole of human history, as a result of misunderstandings about gender issues even in marriages between Christians. Much abuse has been meted out to the woman over the centuries arising from insensitivity that is masked behind religion. Historically, the world and the church have no place for mature womanhood.
Today, the feminist agenda is reacting to this injustice and its voice is gaining force and impetus within the church, but this is being achieved at the expense of the encouragement and development of true biblical manhood. What we need is not so much woman liberation, but real mature manhood as it exists in the mind of God. No woman is really liberated who is surrounded by false manhood. The balance between mature manhood and womanhood is being systematically destroyed – something must be done fast!
The truth is that when God founded the institution of marriage He did not have sinners in mind, neither did He have flesh-governed carnal Christians in mind. The world as it is is not the same as it was when marriage was conceived in God. Since after the fall of Adam all couples marry with each wanting to defend his carnality tenaciously. This is the foundation for chaos.
Consider that by the time most Christian men take a Christian sister to the altar as wives there are crucial facts about the man’s future that are yet unsettled. The wife sorts of hopes with the best of intentions that the man she is marrying is sure about the direction that his life will go. What is a woman to do when her husband perceives drastic change in his awareness of what God wants of his life?
That is an uneasy question with far reaching implications. Many are actually unsure of how to grapple with emerging desires that are not shared by their spouses. It is an uncomfortable position to be in.
What should be done should this be the case?
I guess anyway you look at it; you would have to arrive at the need for a biblical understanding of manhood and womanhood especially in marriage. In the 21st century church, we have many feminine men and masculine women.
A husband is the head of his wife. His headship is patterned after the headship of Christ. In reality the relationship between a man and his wife is meant to be a natural expression of the deep relationship between Christ and the church. Christ is clearly the leader of the church. He is not domineering and no husband should embrace a domineering spirit and then defend it with the brash declaration of headship.
A man must not shy away from servant-leadership, which is the true biblical leadership.
The husbands, be loving your wives with a love self-sacrificial in its nature, in the manner in which Christ also loved the Church and gave himself on behalf of it; Ephesians 5:25 Kenneth Wuest Translation
Paul in his masterful Ephesian epistle shows that Christ is the head of the church and loved her to the point that He gave himself for her.
We know that the Lord Jesus does not lead us by forcefully taking us against our will. Each of us knows from experience with the Lord that He is not a taskmaster. He deals with us with dignity and honour.
Since a man is to pattern his headship in marriage after the headship of Christ over the church we know that it is an unwise and scripturally ignorant man that will rule his wife like a taskmaster with a rod of iron.
We also know that it is an unscriptural woman that will emasculate her husband, robbing him of the beauty of providing Christ-like leadership in the home. The love of God which is the foundation for Christian union of marriage will constrain the guy from yielding to the fleshly desire to dominate his wife under these circumstances. Marriage requires mature manhood and womanhood otherwise there will be chaos.
Yet something has to be done when a husband and his wife find themselves strongly divided about the future plans of one of the spouses.
The challenge I see here is that Christian couples do not mutually decide what they would do ahead of time should this ever happen.
I submit to you that the real problem is that husbands don’t see their wives as Christ sees the church and that wives do not respond to their husbands as the church responds to Christ. That is the real issue. Many couples see their spouses through the lens of tradition instead of seeing them through the word.
There is a cheap way to chicken out of this stalemate – both reach a compromise and go halfway with one another. This is not only cheap, it lacks quality and represents a sure way for neither party to live fulfilled. This method therefore simply postpones the “evil day”.
If a Christian brother had good mentors in his life, he should never marry a woman without finding out if she is willing and able to receive leadership from him. Usually most Christians base their decisions to marry one another on hormones, physical chemistry and the concept of “God is telling us to marry one another”. These are important factors but they do not provide a foundation solid enough to withstand the storms of life. A smart woman wants to be sure that she does not walk to the altar with a brother whose judgements she finds suspect.
A man should know how to make decisions in life. His girl should find out if she respects his reasoning. I encourage young men to hone their skills in this area. Find out what kind of decisions cause her grief and be sure to understand why this is so. Find out what she will do when you are faced with making uncomfortable choices.
It is not just enough for a brother to be decisive, one must be careful that the manner in which decisions are arrived at is consistent with the nature of Christ as he provides leadership for the church. Jesus is not ambiguous. He is clear, yet loving.
Jesus leads, yet He does not lead like an army general barking out orders. There is need for balance. This is not an easy balance to learn.
When God leads us, He does not speak to one person alone when the issue directly affects more than one person.
If a husband senses that there is a different direction that God wants them to take other than the one that has been taken thus far, he needs to be able to gather his thoughts together. Can he clearly convey that which he is sure about? Is it hazy to him?
I have heard of cases of men that would uproot their family at short notice simply because they are sure that “God has spoken”.
The magical wand that this type of men wave is the I-am-the-head-and-she-should-follow wand. He is hiding lack of leadership skills behind a façade of “obey or perish”. In this situation the spouse who does not tag along is perceived as rebellious.
The truth is that when God wants us to do something, He does not spring surprises on us demanding an on-the-spot commitment. He gives us time to renew our minds to His will for He understands that we are men.
A man that understands this concept will develop mastery is clearly communicating what he perceives as the new direction to his wife. His aim is to share with her something that is of deep importance that he wants her to weigh in her heart. The man will remember that he did not respond with a “yes” to God the first time the thought flowed out of the heart of God. Therefore his stance when he tells his wife is with the desire that they discuss around and about the things perceived.
An impatient man would want an immediate response from his wife and the truth is that depending on the kind of synergy that both have built over the years, she might retort with a resounding and daring “no!” This is often the origin of stalemates. When we consistently give our spouses ultimatums we destroy intimacy.
It is one thing to hear from God, but a totally different ballgame for both parties to be committed to the kind of growth that is required in order to walk in agreement. You see, in order to follow God and influence men right, there is need for GROWTH both in the influencer and the influenced. I am assuming that the man in this hypothetical scenario has actually heard correctly from God. This man would need to realise that it is a loose-loose scenario when a man cajoles, coerces and forces his spouse into tagging along.
Leadership implies that a man is not thinking of conquering his wife or shaming her into siding with him. He will do all it takes to give himself to lovingly winning his wife over.
When a man has told his wife as best as he can that which his heart is pondering, the wise woman looks into her heart to find out if she is agreeable with what has been expressed or if it is related to things that God has been dealing with her about. If she does not perceive any sense of agreement with what the husband has stated she should think through and pray about what he has expressed.
Her first reaction should not be to punch holes through what he has said. A man has married wrong when he has as wife, a woman who mistrusts his slants in life and assumes the worst for any view he expresses. If this is the case, they do have a challenge that is not remotely connected to the decision over which they are in strong disagreement.
I guess each spouse can ask “how would I want my spouse to respond to me if we reversed roles?” That is how would I want to be received if he was not the one needing my agreement but I needing his?
...to be continued
Wives, be constantly subjecting yourselves with implicit obedience to your husbands as you ought to do in the Lord. Husbands, be loving your wives with a divine love which impels you to deny yourselves for their benefit, and stop being bitter and harsh to them. Colossians 3:18, 19 Kenneth Wuest Translation
It is shocking that it is only within the last 100 years that women have been thought worthy of exercising voting rights. It is a painful fact that great injustice is being perpetrated to this day, as in almost the whole of human history, as a result of misunderstandings about gender issues even in marriages between Christians. Much abuse has been meted out to the woman over the centuries arising from insensitivity that is masked behind religion. Historically, the world and the church have no place for mature womanhood.
Today, the feminist agenda is reacting to this injustice and its voice is gaining force and impetus within the church, but this is being achieved at the expense of the encouragement and development of true biblical manhood. What we need is not so much woman liberation, but real mature manhood as it exists in the mind of God. No woman is really liberated who is surrounded by false manhood. The balance between mature manhood and womanhood is being systematically destroyed – something must be done fast!
The truth is that when God founded the institution of marriage He did not have sinners in mind, neither did He have flesh-governed carnal Christians in mind. The world as it is is not the same as it was when marriage was conceived in God. Since after the fall of Adam all couples marry with each wanting to defend his carnality tenaciously. This is the foundation for chaos.
Consider that by the time most Christian men take a Christian sister to the altar as wives there are crucial facts about the man’s future that are yet unsettled. The wife sorts of hopes with the best of intentions that the man she is marrying is sure about the direction that his life will go. What is a woman to do when her husband perceives drastic change in his awareness of what God wants of his life?
That is an uneasy question with far reaching implications. Many are actually unsure of how to grapple with emerging desires that are not shared by their spouses. It is an uncomfortable position to be in.
What should be done should this be the case?
I guess anyway you look at it; you would have to arrive at the need for a biblical understanding of manhood and womanhood especially in marriage. In the 21st century church, we have many feminine men and masculine women.
A husband is the head of his wife. His headship is patterned after the headship of Christ. In reality the relationship between a man and his wife is meant to be a natural expression of the deep relationship between Christ and the church. Christ is clearly the leader of the church. He is not domineering and no husband should embrace a domineering spirit and then defend it with the brash declaration of headship.
A man must not shy away from servant-leadership, which is the true biblical leadership.
The husbands, be loving your wives with a love self-sacrificial in its nature, in the manner in which Christ also loved the Church and gave himself on behalf of it; Ephesians 5:25 Kenneth Wuest Translation
Paul in his masterful Ephesian epistle shows that Christ is the head of the church and loved her to the point that He gave himself for her.
We know that the Lord Jesus does not lead us by forcefully taking us against our will. Each of us knows from experience with the Lord that He is not a taskmaster. He deals with us with dignity and honour.
Since a man is to pattern his headship in marriage after the headship of Christ over the church we know that it is an unwise and scripturally ignorant man that will rule his wife like a taskmaster with a rod of iron.
We also know that it is an unscriptural woman that will emasculate her husband, robbing him of the beauty of providing Christ-like leadership in the home. The love of God which is the foundation for Christian union of marriage will constrain the guy from yielding to the fleshly desire to dominate his wife under these circumstances. Marriage requires mature manhood and womanhood otherwise there will be chaos.
Yet something has to be done when a husband and his wife find themselves strongly divided about the future plans of one of the spouses.
The challenge I see here is that Christian couples do not mutually decide what they would do ahead of time should this ever happen.
I submit to you that the real problem is that husbands don’t see their wives as Christ sees the church and that wives do not respond to their husbands as the church responds to Christ. That is the real issue. Many couples see their spouses through the lens of tradition instead of seeing them through the word.
There is a cheap way to chicken out of this stalemate – both reach a compromise and go halfway with one another. This is not only cheap, it lacks quality and represents a sure way for neither party to live fulfilled. This method therefore simply postpones the “evil day”.
If a Christian brother had good mentors in his life, he should never marry a woman without finding out if she is willing and able to receive leadership from him. Usually most Christians base their decisions to marry one another on hormones, physical chemistry and the concept of “God is telling us to marry one another”. These are important factors but they do not provide a foundation solid enough to withstand the storms of life. A smart woman wants to be sure that she does not walk to the altar with a brother whose judgements she finds suspect.
A man should know how to make decisions in life. His girl should find out if she respects his reasoning. I encourage young men to hone their skills in this area. Find out what kind of decisions cause her grief and be sure to understand why this is so. Find out what she will do when you are faced with making uncomfortable choices.
It is not just enough for a brother to be decisive, one must be careful that the manner in which decisions are arrived at is consistent with the nature of Christ as he provides leadership for the church. Jesus is not ambiguous. He is clear, yet loving.
Jesus leads, yet He does not lead like an army general barking out orders. There is need for balance. This is not an easy balance to learn.
When God leads us, He does not speak to one person alone when the issue directly affects more than one person.
If a husband senses that there is a different direction that God wants them to take other than the one that has been taken thus far, he needs to be able to gather his thoughts together. Can he clearly convey that which he is sure about? Is it hazy to him?
I have heard of cases of men that would uproot their family at short notice simply because they are sure that “God has spoken”.
The magical wand that this type of men wave is the I-am-the-head-and-she-should-follow wand. He is hiding lack of leadership skills behind a façade of “obey or perish”. In this situation the spouse who does not tag along is perceived as rebellious.
The truth is that when God wants us to do something, He does not spring surprises on us demanding an on-the-spot commitment. He gives us time to renew our minds to His will for He understands that we are men.
A man that understands this concept will develop mastery is clearly communicating what he perceives as the new direction to his wife. His aim is to share with her something that is of deep importance that he wants her to weigh in her heart. The man will remember that he did not respond with a “yes” to God the first time the thought flowed out of the heart of God. Therefore his stance when he tells his wife is with the desire that they discuss around and about the things perceived.
An impatient man would want an immediate response from his wife and the truth is that depending on the kind of synergy that both have built over the years, she might retort with a resounding and daring “no!” This is often the origin of stalemates. When we consistently give our spouses ultimatums we destroy intimacy.
It is one thing to hear from God, but a totally different ballgame for both parties to be committed to the kind of growth that is required in order to walk in agreement. You see, in order to follow God and influence men right, there is need for GROWTH both in the influencer and the influenced. I am assuming that the man in this hypothetical scenario has actually heard correctly from God. This man would need to realise that it is a loose-loose scenario when a man cajoles, coerces and forces his spouse into tagging along.
Leadership implies that a man is not thinking of conquering his wife or shaming her into siding with him. He will do all it takes to give himself to lovingly winning his wife over.
When a man has told his wife as best as he can that which his heart is pondering, the wise woman looks into her heart to find out if she is agreeable with what has been expressed or if it is related to things that God has been dealing with her about. If she does not perceive any sense of agreement with what the husband has stated she should think through and pray about what he has expressed.
Her first reaction should not be to punch holes through what he has said. A man has married wrong when he has as wife, a woman who mistrusts his slants in life and assumes the worst for any view he expresses. If this is the case, they do have a challenge that is not remotely connected to the decision over which they are in strong disagreement.
I guess each spouse can ask “how would I want my spouse to respond to me if we reversed roles?” That is how would I want to be received if he was not the one needing my agreement but I needing his?
...to be continued
2 comments:
thought provoking piece. very well crafted. I have learnt a lot
Nice Word. Thank you for yielding to God sir.
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